So what you need is a guide. How do you manage to get to all those vital appointments that you might otherwise miss? Well, here's a handy cut-out-and-keep list of tips for the busy commuter.
1. Move to New York.
As easy as it sounds. I mean, by the time you get there you might have just about made it to Victoria from Brixton.
2. Hire a coach and four.
In all seriousness, I don't know why nobody has thought of this. I tried it today and it really worked.
3. Dig your own tunnel.
It's quite simple, really - just find a spade and some helpful angry commuters, and you'll be away in less time than it takes for Bob Crow to get back from his holidays.
4. Parcourt.
Now might be the time to develop those urban running skills. You could be walking up the side of the Shard tomorrow. You could be arriving in your office before everyone else, looking all sleek and cool. 'How did you manage that?' they will ask. And you will smile, knowingly, and a tiny bit smugly.
5. Harness yourself to a bus.
I suggest finding an abandoned trolley and a piece of wire, and then attaching the trolley to the bus. It might be a bit jerky, but at least you'll be able to read.
6. Sewers.
Those of you who like the scenic route can explore the delights of London's real underground. Just remember to bring a change of clothes, and hey presto! You'll be at that vital meeting looking fresh and clean and wondering why everyone around you looks like someone's died.
7. Teleportation.
Clearly by now we should have evolved this particular ability. I mean, come on. It's 2014, people! Get teleporting! If you concentrate really, really hard you can "teleport" into your office. Shut your eyes now, go on. Imagine yourself in your office. Now open your eyes! You see! Your armchair is now your office!
8. Fly
Well, it worked for Daedalus. [NB not for Icarus. Terms and conditions apply.]
9. Use nature's bounty
Find a dozen urban foxes, train them to drag you in a makeshift sled, and bingo! You are the king of the open road! Everyone will flee from you in terror! And also want a lift!
10. If all else fails...
Try the underground. I think they have some lines running. Once every other Tuesday. In the past. And you need to upgrade your zones to go there. But your card's negative so you can't buy a monthly pass until you've put more money on it and anyway the office is closed until 2056. Better walk.
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